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Perspectives....
Jan. 20th, 2014 02:01 pmI got a comment in my journal this week from someone who likes my Body Reclamation tag.
Body Reclamation is part of a positive affirmation for what I'm doing. I'm reclaiming that which is rightfully mine. My own provider has been trying to get me to re-frame this journey, to re-write my own narrative as to who I am. As shallow as it may sound, in some ways, our weight defines who we are. She's been trying to get me to know and explore the normal sized person within. I get her point, but I'm very busy re-acquainting myself with the person who's able bodied. That last part is a change just within the past couple of months. It used to be re-acquainting myself with the person who's not disabled. The difference in prospective is I think an important one, and one that's a necessary part of the journey I'm on. So too, will be accepting the identity of a average sized person in this world, as an average size becomes my reality.
I saw my doc a couple of hours ago. She was happy to hear I'm overhauling my closet and actually getting rid of things no longer my size. Letting go of things is a tangible manifestation of my own acceptance of the change that's in process. I will no longer need these things. I can let go of them.
She's asked me to think about the time soon to come, when I'll go into a store to get a shirt or a pair of slacks and realize I have to go to the mens department, not the specialty big mens department. With that part of the visit, we went off on a bit of a tangent. She believes I'll ultimately end up where I was when I finished college, at 175-180. She said something about my ending up in a medium shirt, to which I countered, "not possible." I was normal weight for my height & frame when I finished college, and wore a large shirt & 34 slacks. My shoulders are wide, and there's no way I'll ever fit into anything smaller. She countered, "you think only large mens' clothing is different in size from what it's marked?" With the overall change in the size of people in this country, and our burgeoning obesity epidemic, the clothing industry is relabeling everything. My doc works hard to keep her weight in check; she's stayed stable in terms of her size and weight. Her own clothing's marked size has changed, while the actual size of clothes have not. Her older things are size 10's. The new ones are 4's.
I was incredulous. "You were a 10, now you're a 4 and you haven't changed?" She nodded. "And the old 4 is now what, a 0?" She nodded again.
"What does the old size 0 do for clothes," I asked?
She smiled. "The children's department." Perhaps then a medium is in my distant future, but for today, I will content myself with 2 and 3x.
As for goals, yes I have them; they vary as to their importance to me. There's a part of me ready to awaken tomorrow, no longer obese. Nice fantasy, but obviously not happening. In the long term, I'm not certain where I'll ultimately end up, so I tend to think in terms of milestones, rather than specific weight goals. The next major one is to get back to where I was when this weight gain began, another 47 pounds south of where I am now. That will put me at 250. I hope to be there by the end of the spring, but it will take whatever it takes. After that, the next big milestone is 200. X-mas perhaps? Again, I get there, when I get there. After that milestone, who knows? I don't know what I'll physically look like at that point. What skin will remain? What subcutaneous fat will be gone and what will remain and where?
Honestly, where I am mostly, is in living in a positive, healthy and life sustaining way. What does Weaver need today? More sleep? More fiber? Another run? Sex? More time to meditate? It means not putting my own sustenance on the back burner all the time, so that I'm not on the list of my own priorities. If I do these things, the weight for the most part, will take care of itself.
Body Reclamation is part of a positive affirmation for what I'm doing. I'm reclaiming that which is rightfully mine. My own provider has been trying to get me to re-frame this journey, to re-write my own narrative as to who I am. As shallow as it may sound, in some ways, our weight defines who we are. She's been trying to get me to know and explore the normal sized person within. I get her point, but I'm very busy re-acquainting myself with the person who's able bodied. That last part is a change just within the past couple of months. It used to be re-acquainting myself with the person who's not disabled. The difference in prospective is I think an important one, and one that's a necessary part of the journey I'm on. So too, will be accepting the identity of a average sized person in this world, as an average size becomes my reality.
I saw my doc a couple of hours ago. She was happy to hear I'm overhauling my closet and actually getting rid of things no longer my size. Letting go of things is a tangible manifestation of my own acceptance of the change that's in process. I will no longer need these things. I can let go of them.
She's asked me to think about the time soon to come, when I'll go into a store to get a shirt or a pair of slacks and realize I have to go to the mens department, not the specialty big mens department. With that part of the visit, we went off on a bit of a tangent. She believes I'll ultimately end up where I was when I finished college, at 175-180. She said something about my ending up in a medium shirt, to which I countered, "not possible." I was normal weight for my height & frame when I finished college, and wore a large shirt & 34 slacks. My shoulders are wide, and there's no way I'll ever fit into anything smaller. She countered, "you think only large mens' clothing is different in size from what it's marked?" With the overall change in the size of people in this country, and our burgeoning obesity epidemic, the clothing industry is relabeling everything. My doc works hard to keep her weight in check; she's stayed stable in terms of her size and weight. Her own clothing's marked size has changed, while the actual size of clothes have not. Her older things are size 10's. The new ones are 4's.
I was incredulous. "You were a 10, now you're a 4 and you haven't changed?" She nodded. "And the old 4 is now what, a 0?" She nodded again.
"What does the old size 0 do for clothes," I asked?
She smiled. "The children's department." Perhaps then a medium is in my distant future, but for today, I will content myself with 2 and 3x.
As for goals, yes I have them; they vary as to their importance to me. There's a part of me ready to awaken tomorrow, no longer obese. Nice fantasy, but obviously not happening. In the long term, I'm not certain where I'll ultimately end up, so I tend to think in terms of milestones, rather than specific weight goals. The next major one is to get back to where I was when this weight gain began, another 47 pounds south of where I am now. That will put me at 250. I hope to be there by the end of the spring, but it will take whatever it takes. After that, the next big milestone is 200. X-mas perhaps? Again, I get there, when I get there. After that milestone, who knows? I don't know what I'll physically look like at that point. What skin will remain? What subcutaneous fat will be gone and what will remain and where?
Honestly, where I am mostly, is in living in a positive, healthy and life sustaining way. What does Weaver need today? More sleep? More fiber? Another run? Sex? More time to meditate? It means not putting my own sustenance on the back burner all the time, so that I'm not on the list of my own priorities. If I do these things, the weight for the most part, will take care of itself.
