sitting with emotions............
Jul. 31st, 2004 01:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
osodecanelaIts been 4 days now and I'm finally in a space where I can write about this. I've been sitting with the whirl of emotions, most of them not pleasant, the vocal contest last Tuesday night engendered. Perhaps vocal contest is not the operative word. Kareoke contest. Entertainer contest. The confusion here may be part of MY problem.
The truth of the matter is that this contest brought up a whole host of emotions that I thought I'd left behind years ago when I originally stopped performing. Why did I stop? Time and focus primarily. I was a medical student and as I found out medicine is a very jealous lover, leaving little time for anything else. No real surprise the divorce rate among my profession is so high. Further, the reality of a life on the stage or in front of the mike is its a challenge for all but the strongest of egos. Witness the honest surprise in Sally Field's Oscar acceptance speech for best actress for 'Norma Rae' (or was it 'Places in the Heart'?); "You like me. You REALLY like me!" One moment the applause in pulsing in your ears. The next, the silence is deafening and the small still voice in your head says, "We have judged you and have found you lacking...."
I was on a anxious high Tuesday night. I was hopped, the way I used to be prior to a concert or role on stage. Major butterflies, which surprisingly usually motivates a solid performance from me. I drew the 4th slot to sing and when I walked into the spot with the mike, I gave it my all. I sang "Corner of the Sky" from the musical Pippin. It's one of the major songs from the play, where the title character, a prince, son to Charlemagne of France, is trying to figure out his place in life and what is his future. In the play, I think it closes the first act and it usually brought people to their feet. Now some 30 years since its time on Broadway, few people know the tune, and even fewer where it came from, but it remains a rousing number, a good showcase for a strong voice and its an 'up' song. I nailed every note. Not one waffle, not one flat tone. I nailed it. It felt so right. I was happy with my performance of it then and am still so now.
I listened to each of the people who sang carefully. I know these people, most of them fairly well. I sing with most of them regularly, and I respect their voices and what they try to do with them. I heard a number of flat notes, things not quite reached. I heard the strain of nerves for several. The woman who preceded me has a gorgeous voice. Superb in fact. However, she didn't really hit her stride in her song until mid way through it. I heard several flat notes, and I hurt for her when I heard them. I know she's able to hit them and I've heard her do it. That was true for a number of people who sang. However, in the end those were things the judges either missed or chose to ignore. Much to my stunned surprise, I finished in the middle of the pack of singers.
Now please do NOT get the idea, I'm feeling the judges were trying to be unfair. Absolutely not the case. I honestly feel they were working to the best of their ability and were faced with a rather difficult task. further, I agree with them that they chose the correct winner of the contest. Joshua won. Her voice is so crisp, so clear, so spectacular, that one would have to be deaf not to put her on top. As I said in my last post, had they chosen anyone else over her, even had it been me, I would have been angry.
As I write and re-read what I've written, I realize I may sound angry or bitter, and these are not emotions I'm feeling. I am hurt, not mad. I finished behind several people who were flat at times during what they sang and to be judged inferiour to that, frankly hurts. The undermining voice in my head, the nasty one that says, "you have been found lacking..." gnaws at me. If they were flat, and I placed behind them, just how badly did I do? These thoughts are self generated. The 3 who judged the contest are not responsible for them - I am.
Two friends have had interesting things to say since the contest, which have been food for thought for me. Both are singers, both with good voices and both are men I love to sing with. Neither competed. The first decided not to specifically because of the emotions he felt he might experience after the contest, many of the same ones I am having now. His point was that the judges are good people, but not musicians themselves. His thought was what qualifies them to judge a performer. My other friend's comments meshed in part with that. I spoke with him online briefly on Thursday afternoon and he closed with saying he would see me that night at Kareoke. I responded that I wasn't sure I was in the right space to be singing, that I was still smarting. His response at first was "Get over it", which of course got my hackles up. Nothing like telling you that your emotions are invalid to get you angry. However, his next point was about losing a drag contest. He sees himself as a female impersonator. He goes for realism. He wants to pass as a real female when he's dressed as one, not be seen as a man in drag. The difference is a subtle one to someone looking in from the outside. Is my focus on the skill of notes and of phrasing losing sight of what the contest was really all about. That's been food for thought. Whether he's right of wrong on that point, he is right about something. I do need to get over this and on with my life. I have too much else to focus on.
Weaver
The truth of the matter is that this contest brought up a whole host of emotions that I thought I'd left behind years ago when I originally stopped performing. Why did I stop? Time and focus primarily. I was a medical student and as I found out medicine is a very jealous lover, leaving little time for anything else. No real surprise the divorce rate among my profession is so high. Further, the reality of a life on the stage or in front of the mike is its a challenge for all but the strongest of egos. Witness the honest surprise in Sally Field's Oscar acceptance speech for best actress for 'Norma Rae' (or was it 'Places in the Heart'?); "You like me. You REALLY like me!" One moment the applause in pulsing in your ears. The next, the silence is deafening and the small still voice in your head says, "We have judged you and have found you lacking...."
I was on a anxious high Tuesday night. I was hopped, the way I used to be prior to a concert or role on stage. Major butterflies, which surprisingly usually motivates a solid performance from me. I drew the 4th slot to sing and when I walked into the spot with the mike, I gave it my all. I sang "Corner of the Sky" from the musical Pippin. It's one of the major songs from the play, where the title character, a prince, son to Charlemagne of France, is trying to figure out his place in life and what is his future. In the play, I think it closes the first act and it usually brought people to their feet. Now some 30 years since its time on Broadway, few people know the tune, and even fewer where it came from, but it remains a rousing number, a good showcase for a strong voice and its an 'up' song. I nailed every note. Not one waffle, not one flat tone. I nailed it. It felt so right. I was happy with my performance of it then and am still so now.
I listened to each of the people who sang carefully. I know these people, most of them fairly well. I sing with most of them regularly, and I respect their voices and what they try to do with them. I heard a number of flat notes, things not quite reached. I heard the strain of nerves for several. The woman who preceded me has a gorgeous voice. Superb in fact. However, she didn't really hit her stride in her song until mid way through it. I heard several flat notes, and I hurt for her when I heard them. I know she's able to hit them and I've heard her do it. That was true for a number of people who sang. However, in the end those were things the judges either missed or chose to ignore. Much to my stunned surprise, I finished in the middle of the pack of singers.
Now please do NOT get the idea, I'm feeling the judges were trying to be unfair. Absolutely not the case. I honestly feel they were working to the best of their ability and were faced with a rather difficult task. further, I agree with them that they chose the correct winner of the contest. Joshua won. Her voice is so crisp, so clear, so spectacular, that one would have to be deaf not to put her on top. As I said in my last post, had they chosen anyone else over her, even had it been me, I would have been angry.
As I write and re-read what I've written, I realize I may sound angry or bitter, and these are not emotions I'm feeling. I am hurt, not mad. I finished behind several people who were flat at times during what they sang and to be judged inferiour to that, frankly hurts. The undermining voice in my head, the nasty one that says, "you have been found lacking..." gnaws at me. If they were flat, and I placed behind them, just how badly did I do? These thoughts are self generated. The 3 who judged the contest are not responsible for them - I am.
Two friends have had interesting things to say since the contest, which have been food for thought for me. Both are singers, both with good voices and both are men I love to sing with. Neither competed. The first decided not to specifically because of the emotions he felt he might experience after the contest, many of the same ones I am having now. His point was that the judges are good people, but not musicians themselves. His thought was what qualifies them to judge a performer. My other friend's comments meshed in part with that. I spoke with him online briefly on Thursday afternoon and he closed with saying he would see me that night at Kareoke. I responded that I wasn't sure I was in the right space to be singing, that I was still smarting. His response at first was "Get over it", which of course got my hackles up. Nothing like telling you that your emotions are invalid to get you angry. However, his next point was about losing a drag contest. He sees himself as a female impersonator. He goes for realism. He wants to pass as a real female when he's dressed as one, not be seen as a man in drag. The difference is a subtle one to someone looking in from the outside. Is my focus on the skill of notes and of phrasing losing sight of what the contest was really all about. That's been food for thought. Whether he's right of wrong on that point, he is right about something. I do need to get over this and on with my life. I have too much else to focus on.
Weaver
