osodecanela | Sad and disturbing.....

Saturday I was rounding at the hospital, two patients in house, both sadly on the oncology unit. The younger of the two is 6 months my junior and not doing well. I always have to steel myself when heading into the heme/onc unit. Such a high percentage of these folks do poorly and being there for them takes an emotional toll on me. It's something I'm quite willing to do, but if it were a steady diet for me, without the joy of welcoming new life that OB brings me, or the nurturance of doing pediatrics, I would not survive this field.

I spotted a colleague, a vascular surgeon I really like and respect, I needed to check in with. We have a mutual patient, one of my 'problem children' (a woman as non-compliant as the day is long, who's son is an enabler - go figure) I needed to touch base with him about. He was talking with a 3rd colleague, a well respected and very well liked woman in our medical community. Quietly, I waited for them to finish, not wanting to interrupt. When she turned to leave, she seemed a bit more gaunt and angular than usual.

The surgeon turned to me looking sad and rather misty. Our colleague looked more gaunt, because she is. She's just started her second round of chemo, diagnosed 2 weeks ago with a malignancy that's already spread. I was shocked by the news. A few moments into our conversation, he looked to me and said, "Geez, please tell me that with all the weight you're losing, you're OK. I don't want to hear any more bad news today."

I shook my head. "No Doug, I'm fine. This weight loss is one I'm working real hard for." We'd talked about my celiac diagnosis and all that I'm doing with diet and exercise, over lunch a couple of months back. He'd noticed at Thanksgiving time there was seriously less of me. That was 25 lbs ago.

I saw my own doc this morning in follow up of my recent labs and a check in on my progress going down the scale. I told her about our colleague and as the tears started rolling down her cheeks with the news, I finally was able to find my own. I'd felt numb since Saturday, unable to really wrap myself around the emotion. The news is so unnerving and hits too close to home. Reality is sometimes we have no clear cause for something so horrid to happen to someone. Sometimes with no risk factors, crap like this just happens. Why so often it's to someone so nice, and so kind and giving makes it even harder to deal with. My doc and I were just shaking our heads. I asked openly, "It's just so unfair. Why the hell does it always seem to be someone so good and kind, instead of someone difficult," to which she countered, "you mean like so-&-so? (naming another doc in our community who can be rather caustic) You took the words out of my mouth." Then we laughed, the pain at bay for a moment.

It's way to soon for us to mourn and bury her. It's time now to pray and to support her in the battle that's to come.