Not sleeping...
Dec. 26th, 2015 06:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
osodecanelaI've been lying here for hours, staring at the ceiling.
I was out the door relatively early this morning, well, now yesterday morning. Still feels like it was this morning since I've not slept yet. I had a gift to drop off to Sarah, then to the hospital to see new mother and child & send them home, before X-mas with the godchildren. And there's that 'little' issue involving my mother-in-law's inevitable passing.
I care for her. As difficult as my husband's relationship with her was for a good part of his life, she has always been kind and accepting towards me. She's of that age where homosexuality was never discussed, let alone accepted as a variant of normal, and yet, even early in my relationship with her son (over 30 years ago), she made it clear she thought I was good for him and that was that. My dishes - I could say ours, but the kitchen was always my balliwick, & she knew it, so the service for 12 from Dansk she gifted us right after her first visit to us as a couple, were really intended for me. Wanting to make a good impression, I'd made dinner for us, including candlesticks and a matching casserole on the table which had been Dansk Bistro pattern. It was all the Dansk I owned at the time. Less than a month later service for 12 arrived.
The stroke 2 1/2 days ago had left her brain dead, but my husband was unwilling to have the life support withdrawn until he'd spoken with her brother and someone from the family was there at her bedside. His uncle finally answered last night and his cousin got to the ICU this morning. The hospital called this afternoon while we were at X-mas dinner, but left no message. The news cannot be good, but at least officially, it has not yet been delivered.
My hospital delivery was also weighing on me. All went fine with it. Medically, it was absolutely uneventful, fast and easy, everything her last delivery was not. Emotionally, it was anything but uneventful for me. I decided 2 months ago, it's time for me to let this part of my practice go. I'm getting to old for it. My last delivery had me up for 41 hours straight. That's one thing to do in your 30's. It's quite another in your 60's. It took me a couple of days to recuperate after the last one & frankly, I'm just getting too old for it. This delivery yesterday is my penultimate and a milestone in its own right. Not only did I deliver mom's last child, it was not quite 3 decades ago that I delivered mom herself. 31 years ago I started taking care of her grandmother, then the remainder of her family. You cannot help but become part of the extended family yourself after that length of time. Knowing this will be the last new life in this family that I'll have the honor of welcoming personally weighs heavily on me. That, in addition to losing my mother-in-Law, reminds me of the passing of time and with a slap to the face, forces me to acknowledge my own mortality.
So it is now Boxing Day, and still I lie here awake.
I was out the door relatively early this morning, well, now yesterday morning. Still feels like it was this morning since I've not slept yet. I had a gift to drop off to Sarah, then to the hospital to see new mother and child & send them home, before X-mas with the godchildren. And there's that 'little' issue involving my mother-in-law's inevitable passing.
I care for her. As difficult as my husband's relationship with her was for a good part of his life, she has always been kind and accepting towards me. She's of that age where homosexuality was never discussed, let alone accepted as a variant of normal, and yet, even early in my relationship with her son (over 30 years ago), she made it clear she thought I was good for him and that was that. My dishes - I could say ours, but the kitchen was always my balliwick, & she knew it, so the service for 12 from Dansk she gifted us right after her first visit to us as a couple, were really intended for me. Wanting to make a good impression, I'd made dinner for us, including candlesticks and a matching casserole on the table which had been Dansk Bistro pattern. It was all the Dansk I owned at the time. Less than a month later service for 12 arrived.
The stroke 2 1/2 days ago had left her brain dead, but my husband was unwilling to have the life support withdrawn until he'd spoken with her brother and someone from the family was there at her bedside. His uncle finally answered last night and his cousin got to the ICU this morning. The hospital called this afternoon while we were at X-mas dinner, but left no message. The news cannot be good, but at least officially, it has not yet been delivered.
My hospital delivery was also weighing on me. All went fine with it. Medically, it was absolutely uneventful, fast and easy, everything her last delivery was not. Emotionally, it was anything but uneventful for me. I decided 2 months ago, it's time for me to let this part of my practice go. I'm getting to old for it. My last delivery had me up for 41 hours straight. That's one thing to do in your 30's. It's quite another in your 60's. It took me a couple of days to recuperate after the last one & frankly, I'm just getting too old for it. This delivery yesterday is my penultimate and a milestone in its own right. Not only did I deliver mom's last child, it was not quite 3 decades ago that I delivered mom herself. 31 years ago I started taking care of her grandmother, then the remainder of her family. You cannot help but become part of the extended family yourself after that length of time. Knowing this will be the last new life in this family that I'll have the honor of welcoming personally weighs heavily on me. That, in addition to losing my mother-in-Law, reminds me of the passing of time and with a slap to the face, forces me to acknowledge my own mortality.
So it is now Boxing Day, and still I lie here awake.
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Date: 2015-12-26 10:30 pm (UTC)