Overwhelmed by emotion…
Aug. 10th, 2016 08:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
osodecanelaIt’s 8:30 PM and I’m sitting at my desk in my office, my home away from home, surrounded by papers, clutter, artwork and memorabilia. There’s a curio cabinet filled with the teacup collection my mother started for each of her children, the kiddush cup from my grandfather’s bar mitzvah in northern England back in 1908, and assorted trinkets, most of them gifts received over the last 35 years. There are two handmade dream catchers in this room, artwork collected while I served in the Indian Health Service, several needle points that patients have done, a bunch of art glass given to me by my office manager from her native Romania. There are two framed Dali lithographs that were gifts from her parents on the wall next to my desk. Numerous pictures of my family. A collage of pictures from my wedding, a gift two years ago from one of my employees. My two favorite lithographs from GE Mullen are right here were I can look up and enjoy them.
It's a comfortable space for me, almost a nest in some ways.
And in a week all of it will start getting moved out of here to Lake County.
It's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster and almost daily I'm in tears. Most of my patients have been verbally supportive of my retirement. Not one has been angry with me, but many have started to cry during our visits, from children as young as 6 to a man today in his mid 80's.
And almost without exception, I have wept with them. This is proving very hard on me emotionally.
I am grieving the separation from many and mourning the fact I will not watch many of these kids grow up. But there have been so many that have confirmed for me I have been doing the right thing for so many years. Many kids now in their teens have asked what things they need to do to maintain good health. That they ask has often surprised me, but when I have asked why they are asking, what I have heard time and time again has been, "you've always told me there is nothing I could not ask you and that when I had questions I should ask, so tell me..." So I have stopped asking why and am grateful I have successfully set them up to be inquisitive and to take responsibility for their own well being. I guess the teacher never stopped teaching.
Stuff is getting to me though.
The number of colleagues who have asked how I'm able to retire at this point and why now.
The number of colleagues who have asked if the rumors of my departure are real and when I've confirmed it's true, who have told me it's a horrible loss to the community. While that may be gratifying on some level, that I've been able to make a difference here, it's not helping my underlying guilt or the sense of desertion I'm feeling in putting my own needs to the forefront for once. Still, I hadn't realized the amount of good will I've managed to engender during my career here. I'm kinda feeling the way Sally Fields appeared the second time she won an Oscar, and frankly, it has surprised me. ("You like me! You really like me!") I hadn't expected anyone to notice my work here, when it hadn't directly effected them, but apparently work has gotten around.
The emotions have to be given their place; if I don't they will turn about and bit me on the ass at some point. They are however making this a longer and more difficult departure. It's taking longer for me to get thru my days and even longer to get my charting done and that's not something I can afford. Still sitting down for a brief moment or three for tears allows me to let out some of the grief at ending this chapter of my life and to move on.
And now to head out the door for home. My husband and the dog await.
It's a comfortable space for me, almost a nest in some ways.
And in a week all of it will start getting moved out of here to Lake County.
It's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster and almost daily I'm in tears. Most of my patients have been verbally supportive of my retirement. Not one has been angry with me, but many have started to cry during our visits, from children as young as 6 to a man today in his mid 80's.
And almost without exception, I have wept with them. This is proving very hard on me emotionally.
I am grieving the separation from many and mourning the fact I will not watch many of these kids grow up. But there have been so many that have confirmed for me I have been doing the right thing for so many years. Many kids now in their teens have asked what things they need to do to maintain good health. That they ask has often surprised me, but when I have asked why they are asking, what I have heard time and time again has been, "you've always told me there is nothing I could not ask you and that when I had questions I should ask, so tell me..." So I have stopped asking why and am grateful I have successfully set them up to be inquisitive and to take responsibility for their own well being. I guess the teacher never stopped teaching.
Stuff is getting to me though.
The number of colleagues who have asked how I'm able to retire at this point and why now.
The number of colleagues who have asked if the rumors of my departure are real and when I've confirmed it's true, who have told me it's a horrible loss to the community. While that may be gratifying on some level, that I've been able to make a difference here, it's not helping my underlying guilt or the sense of desertion I'm feeling in putting my own needs to the forefront for once. Still, I hadn't realized the amount of good will I've managed to engender during my career here. I'm kinda feeling the way Sally Fields appeared the second time she won an Oscar, and frankly, it has surprised me. ("You like me! You really like me!") I hadn't expected anyone to notice my work here, when it hadn't directly effected them, but apparently work has gotten around.
The emotions have to be given their place; if I don't they will turn about and bit me on the ass at some point. They are however making this a longer and more difficult departure. It's taking longer for me to get thru my days and even longer to get my charting done and that's not something I can afford. Still sitting down for a brief moment or three for tears allows me to let out some of the grief at ending this chapter of my life and to move on.
And now to head out the door for home. My husband and the dog await.
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Date: 2016-08-11 03:25 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2016-08-25 12:07 am (UTC)I'm not going to add to your emotional load. You know what's best for you. *hugs*